A Post Father's Day Reflection

As my childhood family has dwindled and we grieve during this year of firsts, holiday's seem to elicit even more reflection.  We know how fortunate we are to still have parents, especially as grandparents for our own children.  Yet the children inside of us cries, tears reminding us of how much is lost.  My children have only grandfathers remaining.  It is a yo-yo effect, the appreciation for the view as we sat looking out at the lake, all of us together, enjoying a moment of Father's Day with our dad, grandfather, husbands.  The water was a greenish blue, like the Caribbean and we were all filled with the beauty of the day. We laughed, joked, told funny stories.  However, there was also the sense that we all knew what was lost and missing.  A mom who would have been the first to point out the color of the water, a mom who taught us the meaning of forgiveness, a mom who showed us the strength to persevere.  She hovered over our thoughts that day and everyday.  I don't know why but that night I was sleepless and restless.  The craziness of the past year flooded my thoughts. How the hell did we miss this?  How did cancer hide so elusively?  Why did doctors tell us she would not die of this reoccurrence?  That night I somehow felt responsible and craved to move back time.  One of her friends who came up to us that day reminded us how lucky we were to have had such a phenomenal and caring mom and grandmother.  We knew she was right.  I looked at my dad watching us as she spoke and I saw the concern in his eyes.  He knows how we feel because he lost an old friend too.  All of the past pains of divorce seemed irrelevant and once again we were reminded of how life moves on and forward.  Happy father's day to all the the men who can see the depth of what is in their children's eyes, even if it is hard to see.  Happy father's day to my husband for understanding, unfortunately too clearly, what it is to loose a mom.  Happy father's day to my brother in law who has shown what it means to truly father, even those who did not plan to father.  Yes, I was grateful that day too.  The string pulled me up once again

 David and Mom

David and Mom

 John and Mom

John and Mom